I saw a post about how much more difficult it is to be a woman chasing a career and the reasons given to the resistance she met were laundry, dishes, and nurturing a child. What I saw was not inequality, but thousands of women forgetting that their mothers, grandmothers or great grandmothers held their ground bravely when boycotting hot-dinners and primped houses, and made-up faces. Today, we have all of those freedoms. However, we still hold this stigma of “I need to be the one who cleans when I get home from a full day of work.” Well here is my answer for anyone married and trying to balance a career, parenthood, and being married.
Before you get married to someone most of us know it is important to discuss whether we want to have children. It is equally important, in my opinion, that you discuss how you two will manage your careers whilst having and raising children if that is your wish.
Inevitably, someone will have to take a break from the pursuit of a career and sometimes you each will need to tap the brakes to maintain a happy and healthy home. I am assuming that for most of my readers they have prioritized a happy & healthy home over their dream career.
Of course there are times children will be more dependent of their mother. And there will be ages one of you will handle better than the other... But you can and should discuss all of these things before marriage and during the marriage.
I see too often people passively suffering while they try to maintain social norms along with the pursuit of a career and they feel as though they are failing. Marriage is a team sport. If you have too much on your plate, that's when you have truth time with your partner and figure out a way the team can win together. Your spouse is neither a mind reader nor a superhuman. Nor are you! And trust me. He or she can figure out how to do domestic chores just fine.
If you find that what is divided among you is still too heavy for both of you to maintain while trying to meet your standards, adjust those standards after having another truth-time talk with your partner. If you know that your spouse if putting as much effort as they can (healthily) and you are doing the same for your end, then you may need to reassess what is a priority. Can the dishes be done every other day? Can the laundry wait until the weekend? Can your dream body go on hold so that you can invest quality time with your kid or spouse?
The key to this kind of communication and approach to marriage, career pursuit, and parenthood, is that you accept and submit to the concept that you have time. Ask anyone over the age of 40 for their life story. Even those who think they’ve done absolutely nothing have typically accomplished more than you’d expect possible in just a short decade. When you commit to marriage, most of our vows have an in-perpetuity statement. That’s a long time. A long time for you to take lead and a long time for you to allow your spouse to have a turn at it. Don’t break a marriage in the first 10 years because the two of you thought this was the only decade that counted. I know plenty of STAHMs (Stay at home moms) who raised their children and then went on to lead impressive careers.
“Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,”